I always thought I was the kind of girl who could keep her shyte together in any situation…. until my world got rocked twice this year.
Twice I could have lost one of my sons. And both times it would have been on my watch.
If you’ve ever dealt with something that triggers severe anxiety you can probably relate.
Sometimes all you can do is literally go step by step through the motions to get through the day.
Some nights you watch netflix until you can’t keep your eyes open for one more second... so you can stay away from your thoughts.
Sometimes you crush coffee and McDonalds, and pizza, and mini chocolate bars…..and whatever else you can find that makes you feel better in that moment.
Sometimes you drink wine with girlfriends and spill your guts to them. It gets a little messy too, tears and all, and that’s ok. You know you have to keep reaching out.
Sometimes you just cry....
I’ve dealt with a super stressful career.
I’ve dealt with huge real estate investments that went bad.
I’ve dealt with losing a young very dear family member.
But nothing prepared me for this year having had 2 close calls where one of my boys almost drowned.
It scares me to my core because I was there….right frickin’ there both times.
It could have happened once to my 4 year old chasing a pool noodle while 15 of us adults plus kids were all around him at the lake, and the next time to my 1 year old where he wasn’t close to the pool but I was distracted picking up cheerios that he had spilled and he somehow climbed down to the pool, crawled in and crawled back out drenched before he yelled for me.
In 1 minute my whole world could have changed.
Thankfully it didn’t….but that doesn’t help the thoughts that continue to haunt you after it’s over.
Logically you understand that it’s all ok now. That it was a close call, and luckily it worked out and everyone’s ok….you’ll learn from it of course….but emotionally you struggle….bad.
The visual in your mind that keeps flashing when you’re trying to sleep is what kills ya.
The never ending ‘what if’s’ that never stop circling and spiraling out of control in your head.
The feeling where you thought you were a good mom except you almost failed your babies in the worst way….it eats at you.
It makes you feel like a total loser to be honest.
It makes everything else seem worse too. The #rona doesn’t help.
As time passes it gets better, and worse somehow. The visuals slow down but the feeling that someone is standing on your chest with heavy work boots and you can’t breathe, plus bad butterflies in your tummy that make you feel like you might throw up, hits you at weird times.
You become nervous, and anxious, and impatient and feel the need to have more control over pretty much everything….
The feeling comes and goes, somedays are better than others, and some days you feel totally fine again...until you don’t.
I’m writing this because it might make a difference to one person who late at night is searching the internet for any kind of support or story that will make them feel less alone in this, like I was. The internet can be a cruel mistress when it comes to judgement but I don’t care (and if you don’t have anything nice to say Negative Nancy, don’t bother saying anything at all!!)
Close calls happen to almost all of us as parents and we need to feel connected to others not stranded alone on an island of guilt in our own minds when they do.
If you are going through something like this you are not alone and it’s ok to just get through your day….however that looks for you. Promise!